Hashtag Goals

Hashtag Goals

So here’s what happened. I was at connect group and we were talking about taking steps. Moving towards the big hopes/goals/dreams step by step. And as a practical challenge, we each wrote down three things that we want to accomplish or at least make significant movement towards accomplishing in 2017. And then for each person, someone would call out a number from one to three, the chosen person would read whichever goal that was and we, as a group, would help decide the next practical steps to take towards that goal and ways that we, as a group, could help and/or provide encouragement. Make sense? No. Okay, well maybe this will help. My list of three things was something like:
1. Run for a political office
2. Buy a house
3. Date
I say “something like” because I kept scratching 1 and 2 out and replacing them with things like: Go back to Australia… Visit Barbados… Lead a political rebellion… You know – things I really want to do. And number three was the throwaway. Because honestly… who cares? I don’t. I mean, I didn’t. I really didn’t. I only wrote it because I’m dumb. And as I wrote it, I was thinking, this “This is dumb. You don’t even care about this.” But then (as I so often do) I started to Jedi mind trick myself — “Maybe you do care. Or should care. And that’s why you’re writing it. Maybe you really do want to be challenged in this. Or maybe God wants you to.” So having sufficiently overthought it, I decided that in the 33% chance that it was chosen, I would take it as a sign that it was something I should be thinking about. And you know what they say:

Ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.
Ask for a stupid sign, get a stupid sign.

Because when it was my turn, the number chosen for me was three.

Great.

So now I’m supposed to be dating. And it’s just really lucky that it’s so easy for me. #AlternativeFacts

UGHHHH. It is the worst. Because nobody likes me. And I say that with my self-esteem fully intact and a pretty healthy sense of self. It’s not even hurtful anymore, it just is what it is. And I don’t mean “like” in general, I do have friends. Obviously. (I do, you can ask anyone.) I mean “like like“.  For whatever reason, I am just not the girl who guys see from across the room and/or dating app and think “Wow! Let me find out more about that.” Nah. They see me and think… I don’t know “I wonder what the temperature is in Central Park right now.” And that’s totally fine. (Literally, it is currently 51 degrees.) I just didn’t need the daily reminder.

So what’s a girl to do? Well… I tried fulfilling my contractual obligation, I was on a dating app for almost over two weeks. I went to a party with a friend on a Saturday night and danced. And let some guys dance up on me.  We out here. And we still out here alone with no signs of that changing. And that’s actually okay.  Thanks to Jon Hamm.

I don’t remember exactly how or why, but a few months ago, I just decided that I’m going to marry Jon Hamm. And I know that’s crazy  (so I know I’m not crazy because I fully understand and acknowledge that that is crazy) but for whatever reason, I haven’t had a true what-if-I’m-single-forever-?! panic attack since. I think it’s the unknown that freaks us out so much, so I just subbed in a known placeholder and it’s working for me.  Because the fact is that life and time are going to keep marching on and my life is going to keep unfolding and I have to trust that things are happening and are going to happen right on time. And I have to stop treating dating and marriage like some mystical category of life where God is completely capricious except for when He’s being punitive.  He’s not leaving that answer blank to torment me or because He’s still deciding whether or not there is an answer. He’s just doing what He always does and taking His freaking time.

So while 98% of me wishes I had chosen a different #3, there is 2% of me that is glad that exercise went the way it did because it has just reinforced for me how unbothered I am right now. And it’s kinda nice. I was talking with a friend last Sunday and he asked me if I had someone for Tuesday (aka Valentine’s Day) and i said nope, but then I changed my mind and said “Actually, it’s only Sunday – I don’t know.” Because I don’t know when things are going to change for me but I do believe that they will. Because I’ve seen it happen in other areas of my life. I’ve been surprised by things in my work life, in my creative life, in my church, in my friendships, in my finances… I have seen God open doors, make crazy connections, do the impossible… and I don’t see why this area should be any different.

So I deleted that app and I’m back to minding my own business and not bothering with things that aren’t bothering me. Because Lord knows I have enough other things to think about, worry about and work on. And I’ll bet that you do to. So what is on your list of things you’d like to accomplish this year? Because finding love might be the number one thing, but it had better not be the one and only thing. It can’t be. Because, believe me, you don’t want to be with the person who wants to be with the version of you that is doing nothing but pouting and waiting around. When you find/are found by your Jon Hamm and he asks “Where have you been all my life?” I hope you have such a full list of people, places and things to tell him about, that he quickly realizes how much fuller his life would be with you in it. But first, I hope you realize how full your life already is. And keep doing whatever you can to keep it that way.

Open Letter To Jon Hamm

Open Letter To Jon Hamm

Dear Jon Hamm,

You are ruining my life.

Here’s the thing, I never paid much attention to you before. I’ve never seen an episode of “Mad Men” so my primary frame of reference for you was as the douche in “Bridesmaids” and even seeing that, I distinctly remember thinking – “Okay, he’s good-looking, but he’s not THAT good-looking.” (No offense.) I just didn’t get what all the fuss was about. Some of it, sure. But all of it? Nah.

And maybe a year ago, a friend of mine sent me a text saying that she had seen you on the street. And I could not be bothered to care. (Again, no offense. I feel that way about all celebrities that are not Tina Fey or Celine Dion).

But then last week I happened to get tickets to a taping of Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show and you happened to be the first guest. And life as I know it happened to end.

jon hamm

You came out in that suit. With that beard. On that face. With that hair. And that height. And you ruined my life. All of it. And you need to answer for that.

You need to explain to me how I’m supposed to function now? How am I supposed to go on, Jon Hamm? Knowing that men like you actually exist. Not just on covers and screens brought to us by the magic of makeup, lighting and filters, but in actual life.  I mean, you actually look better in real life than on camera. How is that even a thing? Are you an evil wizard, Jon Hamm? And are you taking pleasure from the pain you’re causing?

Because I am in pain.

Looking at you in person was like staring at the sun. It was a mistake. A life destroying mistake. And I feel like I should have been warned. It is cruel and careless of you to just walk around looking the way you do. It causes legitimate hardship. For the women who have seen you and for all the men who would like to date those women, but are not you.

I just don’t know what to do now, Jon Hamm. Because all I want now is a you. Not you specifically, but something like you. And that want is causing a crisis of faith. I’ve seen you, so I know such a thing is possible, but is such a thing possible for me? I just don’t know. Does God really love me that much? I just don’t know. But I guess I’ll find out.

As if love wasn’t already impossible enough to find, you have made everything so much worse. And I can’t even be mad at you. You know, because of your face. Your stupid wonderful bearded face.

Anyway, I just thought you should know what you’re doing to the people around you. It’s already too late for me. My life is ruined and there’s no going back, but you seem like a nice guy (which doesn’t help things AT. ALL.) so maybe, for the sake of others, you could start taking some precautions before you go out in public. Wearing a brown paper bag is probably a bit extreme, but maybe you could wear a beret and a bluetooth earpiece. Or those Google glass glasses. Or a fanny pack. Something. Anything to keep you from shining so brightly.

It’s the least you could do to keep more lives from being ruined needlessly. So please, Jon Hamm. Just… please.

 

Trying to cope with the life you’ve left me.
All the best,

Janice