Slaying Me

Slaying Me

At this point in my life I am used to pretty much every other person younger than me getting engaged/married. However, God must be testing me on a new level with the engagement of my nephew. As his aunt, I am extremely happy that he has found someone amazing to share this life with. As a 34 year old single woman… I changed his diapers… So yeah.

Recent Facebook status of a friend.

Back in the earlier half of the year, Jen, one of the teenage girls that my mom has been mentoring for a few years went through a sneaking-out-at-night-and-not-going-to-school-during-the-day phase. And not too long after that, she announced that she was pregnant. Ah well. Such is life. Anyway, fast forward a few weeks to a Tuesday night. It was a beautiful spring evening and everything was fine. I know it was a Tuesday because I was on my way to connect group. I had just picked up some snacks and I was on track to be right on time. All was well. And then I got a text. It was from my mom and it said “Aarg! First Jen and now Ben.” Which said to me that Ben, my teenage cousin, had gotten someone pregnant. And that thought basically ended my life.

Because Ben is actually my second cousin, his mother who is a year younger than me and had him as a teen, is my first cousin. So at that moment in time, I was face to face with the prospect of my younger cousin becoming a grandmother before I was even a mother. And I cannot even describe the soul crushing despair that crashed down on me. And I literally had to stop and sit down.

At some point, if you live in New York, you are going to see someone crying in public. And if you live here long enough, you are going to be that someone. And on that Tuesday night, that very public bell tolled for me. I texted my mom back to ask for clarification that my life of trying to do the right thing was indeed God’s most long standing practical joke, but for whatever reason, it took her eight minutes to get back to me. And seven of those eight minutes were the realest and darkest minutes I’ve had in this single journey thus far.

Because I felt cheated. I felt like God wasn’t faithful. And there was no reward for trying to do the right thing. I felt like God was no different from the rest of the world where “the squeaky wheel gets the grease”, and that good behavior was clearly the best way to be overlooked, passed by and forgotten. I felt tricked. I felt like Jeremiah 20:7** was the verse written over my life. And that not only did God not care about anything that I wanted but that He was actively going out of His way to make it clear how much He could not possibly care less. And I felt stupid. Because I knew there was nothing I could do about it, because I was (and am) basically trapped. Because you don’t get this far down the road and then just turn around. You can’t just throw off everything you have hoped and believed thus far and… what? Just stop hoping? Stop believing? I can’t.

Though He slay me.

Because make no mistake, that’s what’s happening. This is slaying me. He is slaying me. And I don’t know why.  I have all sorts of things I tell myself on the days when I’m really feeling the sting, but honestly – I don’t know. And I don’t really expect to know until the end of the story. So until then… there’s nothing I can do about it. And that’s the realization I “comforted” myself with in minute seven. Because I may be stupid for hoping and believing for this long, but even more than that, I’m stubborn. So if God wants to wrestle and keep on wrestling, well… so be it. I’m in.

So I was already back on my feet and back on my way (with a definite limp on the inside) when my mom finally texted back to clarify that no my younger cousin was not going to be a grandmother. Not just yet. But the possibility does exist. And that’s horrific. But… such is life. And I can’t do anything about anything that I can’t do anything about. So… I’ll just keep on keepin’ on in the things I can do something about.  Like this blog. Which I am grateful for because I am grateful for you. And your stories and you sharing them with me, because we really aren’t alone. I’m not alone. And it really helps to know that while I’m navigating those swings from not-even-thinking-about-it to can’t-think-of-anything-else. 

And I’m not even sure why I’m telling this story today because I’m currently in one of those phases where it’s all good. My situation is what it is and for whatever reason, it’s not slaying me at the moment. Maybe because George Clooney is getting married this weekend. And he’s marrying one of us. And by all accounts they weren’t even dating yet at this time last year. So if someone had tapped Amal Alamuddin on the shoulder a year ago and told her everything that was about to happen, I don’t know that she would have believed it. And I don’t know that you or I would believe it if we were told what’s in store for us. But my hope is that we wouldn’t. Because it is all so beyond what we imagine is possible. Because it has to be. To make up for all the slaying.

* You deceived me, LORD, and I was deceived; you overpowered me and prevailed.
I am ridiculed all day long; everyone mocks me. Jeremiah 20:7

** Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him… Job 13:15


8 thoughts on “Slaying Me

  • September 26, 2014 at 4:26 pm

    awe MAN this is INCREDIBLE! Yes girl yes. What a great read.

    I’ve been feelin lately that christian women in general are taught to put marriage on this pedestal and worship it. Not sayin you’re doin that but i used to. I still want a husband, Hell, i’ll settle for a long-term boyfriend, or just a male to take me out once in awhile. BUT i have to say lately my music career has been poppin off and i’ve been FORGETTING about my longing for marriage.

    I know how this sounds, no my sex drive didnt melt off in fact its increased (30’s ya’ll….its real!) but man! God and I are on SUCH a wild fun ride and i attribute it to me taking marriage, romance (with men) off the pedestal and putting God back where He belongs.

    I’m gratefully now at a place where even if i dont get married i’m okay. Cuz i’m EXACTLY where i belong RIGHT NOW and like you said, who knows what God has in store?

    With love


    • October 15, 2014 at 3:51 pm

      Marriage is a good thing and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married, but I definitely do think that we put it on pedestal and can get so fixated on “attaining” it that we forget to pursue other things that would actually make us more “Us” and more ready for marriage. We can get so fixated on finding somebody else that we forget to become somebody ourselves. And I definitely don’t want to do that. I want to be as much and as me as I can regardless of if i ever get married. (but dear god, don’t get it twisted. i would like to get married please. amen.)

  • September 26, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Interesting subject…especially in light of something I’ve been dealing with over the past few days.
    You’ll probably be wondering how this ties in, but hear me out. I think this story fits… well you be
    the judge.

    I’m getting together this weekend with a friend I’ve had since pre-teen years. My forever friend from back in the days of when one of our main activities in life was going to every Jackson Five concert we could
    get our parents to take us to. My friend went to college, finished on time, and in the meanwhile,
    met her Prince Charming. I went to college, got distracted and got my heart broken.( I did finally
    finish my degree years later). My friend did everything right. She and Prince Charming had a
    beautiful wedding (I was in it!) They both waited until they got married to consummate their
    relationship, and for both of them it was their first time. They attended church together. They had
    two beautiful children together. They had solid careers. A beautiful home. Family vacations. All the
    makings of a good life, fitting for those who do things right from the beginning. But somewhere
    down the line… some 12-14 years later, Prince Charming stopped being charming. And to make a
    long story short, for a period of time he put my friend through emotional hell while he flirted on
    the fringes with another woman, who he eventually left my friend for.
    This was a total shock… to a lot of people. But for us who knew the background of this couple, it was even more shocking. My God! if that marriage could fail… who was safe?? And in the back of my mind was ..”But… she did everything right!” And I’m sure if that was in my mind, she was definitely wondering how did it all add up to the hell she was experiencing. She loved her husband and did her best to keep her
    marriage intact. Yet…he left her to start a life with someone else.

    This happened some 20 plus years ago. And for some reason that whole ugly scenario was on my
    mind this week. I was puzzled as to why. And then God revealed to me that I needed to forgive my
    friend’s ex-husband because I was still holding anger and offense against him for the way he had betrayed and hurt her. The girl who did things the right way and didn’t deserve that. The girl who should have had the happily ever after. We all want 1 plus 1 to equal 2. We want things to be fair and equitable.
    And when they’re not… we wonder why not (and in my case get angry about it)

    Just another story in the chapter of ‘life is not fair’ and ‘life doesn’t give guarantees’. Yet God is
    good ALL the time… and he can take someone’s place of pain and make it a doorway of hope.
    When we do as God requires, no matter how it turns out, we can take comfort in we have done
    what we’re supposed to do in our obedience. God is the ultimate that matters anyway and He’s the only
    total trustworthy being. Prince Charming, as we see, can decide to become a complete jackass.

    • September 26, 2014 at 6:06 pm

      Sorry about the bad formatting. My cut and paste job didn’t do good here.. Hey, where’s the edit option?!!

    • October 15, 2014 at 3:56 pm

      why are you writing blog posts on my blog post? start you own blog already.

    • October 15, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      Thanks girl. But I’m pretty sure I love you more.

  • August 31, 2015 at 10:37 am

    too funny. almost a year later and I’m just now seeing this reply to my so-called ‘blog post’. hahaha. And btw, I did start my own blog. :p


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