Open Letter To Jon Hamm

Open Letter To Jon Hamm

Dear Jon Hamm,

You are ruining my life.

Here’s the thing, I never paid much attention to you before. I’ve never seen an episode of “Mad Men” so my primary frame of reference for you was as the douche in “Bridesmaids” and even seeing that, I distinctly remember thinking – “Okay, he’s good-looking, but he’s not THAT good-looking.” (No offense.) I just didn’t get what all the fuss was about. Some of it, sure. But all of it? Nah.

And maybe a year ago, a friend of mine sent me a text saying that she had seen you on the street. And I could not be bothered to care. (Again, no offense. I feel that way about all celebrities that are not Tina Fey or Celine Dion).

But then last week I happened to get tickets to a taping of Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show and you happened to be the first guest. And life as I know it happened to end.

jon hamm

You came out in that suit. With that beard. On that face. With that hair. And that height. And you ruined my life. All of it. And you need to answer for that.

You need to explain to me how I’m supposed to function now? How am I supposed to go on, Jon Hamm? Knowing that men like you actually exist. Not just on covers and screens brought to us by the magic of makeup, lighting and filters, but in actual life.  I mean, you actually look better in real life than on camera. How is that even a thing? Are you an evil wizard, Jon Hamm? And are you taking pleasure from the pain you’re causing?

Because I am in pain.

Looking at you in person was like staring at the sun. It was a mistake. A life destroying mistake. And I feel like I should have been warned. It is cruel and careless of you to just walk around looking the way you do. It causes legitimate hardship. For the women who have seen you and for all the men who would like to date those women, but are not you.

I just don’t know what to do now, Jon Hamm. Because all I want now is a you. Not you specifically, but something like you. And that want is causing a crisis of faith. I’ve seen you, so I know such a thing is possible, but is such a thing possible for me? I just don’t know. Does God really love me that much? I just don’t know. But I guess I’ll find out.

As if love wasn’t already impossible enough to find, you have made everything so much worse. And I can’t even be mad at you. You know, because of your face. Your stupid wonderful bearded face.

Anyway, I just thought you should know what you’re doing to the people around you. It’s already too late for me. My life is ruined and there’s no going back, but you seem like a nice guy (which doesn’t help things AT. ALL.) so maybe, for the sake of others, you could start taking some precautions before you go out in public. Wearing a brown paper bag is probably a bit extreme, but maybe you could wear a beret and a bluetooth earpiece. Or those Google glass glasses. Or a fanny pack. Something. Anything to keep you from shining so brightly.

It’s the least you could do to keep more lives from being ruined needlessly. So please, Jon Hamm. Just… please.

 

Trying to cope with the life you’ve left me.
All the best,

Janice



7 thoughts on “Open Letter To Jon Hamm

  • July 28, 2014 at 3:59 pm
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    BAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH!!!

    YES, Tina Fey would also stop me in my tracks. And Lorne Michaels. I may sacrilegiously start worshiping at his feet.

    My first celebrity crush was Conan O’Brien. I was 12, he was funny, man i’m a strange one! But yes, comedy just DOES it for me I guess. I had a crush on “Stephon” from Family Matters but his character was so intermitten the crush didnt ruin my life. Man, this is a toughie….I’m tryin to think of a TV or film actor besides obviously Denzel who would just stop me in my tracks.

    Well, when I think of him i’ll let ya know. OH i used to have a crush on the evil guy from Heroes who also plays Spock on the new Star Trek but he’s gay….

    *whomp, whomp*

    TM! 🙂

    Reply
  • July 29, 2014 at 12:53 pm
    Permalink

    Hmmm…. I guess to say ‘ruined’ kind of depends on the perspective.

    Yes, once upon a time there was a celebrity that influenced me in naming one of my children. And a name is a forever-type thing.

    That celebrity was soul-singer Marvin Gaye. okay now, don’t judge me! but-I absolutely loved him, loved his music, loved that crazy knit beanie thing he wore on his head, his stubby beard, and the way he moved. And now looking back on all the behind the scene details involved in life, doesn’t seem the best choice. But… that was me then… and I don’t regret naming my child what I did.

    And oh! I did get to meet him… sorta. I was in a car with my then boyfriend, driving somewhere in the Hollywood area, and who should pull up next to us at a stop light, in a Mercedes-Benz convertible was.. MARVIN GAYE. I was speechless. He was on my side… He smiled, said “hi’ , and told the guy I was with…”your lady is very pretty, man.” I blushed, and stammered ‘thank you ‘ before the light turned green and he sped off. Marvin Gaye called me pretty!! I will never forget that!
    Remembering and hearing the song even now brings tears to my eyes.
    I guess my child will have to decide about the ruin part
    The song can be heard here….there’s a man out there who will someday sing this song to her 😀

    Reply
  • July 30, 2014 at 11:54 am
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    If the link doesn’t work below, Youtube “Ask A Grown Man with Jon Hamm”

    Reply
    • July 31, 2014 at 1:06 pm
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      #slowyourroll. this is not helping me. somebody send me an ugly picture of him STAT!!

      Reply
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