So I’ve had a cold for just over a week now. It started on a Thursday afternoon with a vague feeling of scratchiness in the back of my throat and then progressed. And progressed. Until the night before last when, no joke, I googled “Has anyone ever died from a cold?” #DramaQueenMuch? I know.
But even as I was googling, I realized that it wasn’t that I was feeling especially terrible, it was just that I was so tired of feeling not great.
And now with the chocolate covered breath of Valentine’s Day hot in my face, I’m feeling the same kind of sensation. It’s not the being single on Valentine’s Day that’s annoying, it’s the being single on another Valentine’s Day. AGAIN. It’s all the anothers and all the agains. Another birthday. Going to another wedding alone. Another crush that goes nowhere. Hearing that joke again. Asking God the same questions again. Answering the same “Well-what-about-him?”, “Have-you-tried-online?”, “Have-you-prayed-about-it?” questions again. Ugh! Can I live?! And must I keep on living like this??
But then again…
Sometimes I have to check myself. (And ideally, I would always do it before I wreck myself, but a lot of times, it happens midway through.) With the Voldemort level cold I was fighting, I stepped back and thought about it objectively – yes, my nose was somehow too stuffed for breathing but too leaky for normal human interaction; and yes, embarrassing uncontrollable coughing fits had become part of my morning (and evening) commutes, but in the much grander scheme of things – I was okay. 95% of my body was functioning just fine. And as annoying as my symptoms have been, they are actually the signs of my body fighting back. And that’s a good thing. Because to come this far and then die of a cold… that would be pretty lame.
And so it is with Valentine’s Day. Instead of thinking of and focusing on the one thing that isn’t “working” right now, I’m going to be thankful for the 98% of my life that is actually going pretty well. It’s a good time for me to check myself– Am I happy? Do I have purpose? Am I moving forward? Because if I’m not, if I don’t and if I’m not now; I won’t be, I won’t and I won’t when I’m in a relationship.
As I was saying goodbye to one of my friends the other night she said, “Last single Valentine’s Day!” and I thought “Okay, I’ll double tap that.” (And let’s be real, secretly I hope every Christmas, birthday, Tuesday, lunchtime is my last single one.) but more than that, I hope this is my last “Not-finishing-that-project” Valentine’s Day, I hope it’s my last “Doubting-myself-when-it-counts” Valentine’s Day and maybe my last “Working-a-day-job-and-side-jobbing-my-dream” Valentine’s Day. Because those are things I can actually, practically work towards. And no, they aren’t sexy, but they are signs of my self-worth fighting back against the dark side of this day that would like to keep me fixated on what I don’t have right now. But honestly… it’s okay. I’m okay.
So although, there will be no chocolates and roses for me today, I will be getting dinner and a movie. (AND CAKE!) And I will be spending time with people I love, loving and being loved. And I hope you find a way to do the same. Because, how do you want to remember your last single Valentine’s Day? Moping over what you didn’t have or reveling in all you’ve been given thus far? Because single or not, that’s basically the choice we’ll have every Valentine’s Day. And we might as well start practicing for the future now.